paulcarp (paulcarp) wrote,

The Next Pope

I scribbled this at the Beaver Inn before the selection of Benedict as the Pope. Julie is pretty sure I'm damned for eternity.

It was quite the surprise to be selected the next pope. For one thing, I'm not even Catholic. Oh, I was Catholic once. That is, my Mom and Dad took me to Catholic mass on Sundays and Holy Days, and they told me I was Catholic.

"Are you Christian or Catholic," I remember a fellow 3rd grader asking me.

I did the first confession and first communion, which I remember; and the baptism, which I don't. And the confirmation, which is supposed to be my choice to live as a Catholic -- but there's not a whole lot of choice. I mean, no one actually stands at the altar and says "no, I'm not Catholic."

Holy Days of Obligation were cool, in a way. I mean, I got out of school to get ashes on my head. Eventually, I became an altar boy to avoid school for funerals and weddings. And, I got paid for those services. Who wouldn't be an altar boy? Okay, the question is easy, since the most abuse I ever endured at the hands of a priest was due to his alcoholism, and not his pedophilia.

The idea of a religion that "obligates" one to attend their service -- mass, when you're Catholic -- is brilliant. You'll go to hell if you don't do what we say. And what we say is that you'll go to hell if you have a mortal sin on your soul. A venial sin will get you Purgatory. No one goes straight to heaven unless they are Mary.

Mary, eternal virgin. Apparently, even though Catholics encourage procreation, Mary was too pure for sex. Is that perverse? Mary had to endure the scourge of Eve -- pain during childbirth -- yet didn't get to have fun in bed.

Or maybe she did. I don't remember any catechism on whether God the father was a good lover. I mean, of course He's a "good lover" since he defines love. I mean whether He was good in the sack.

A dumb joke would have Mary screaming "Oh God" during sex, and the whole New Testament being based on a misunderstanding.

But if Mary is too pure for sexual intercourse, shouldn't God be? Now I'm reminded of the Old Testament, where maybe God the father doesn't have any fun, but the Holy Spirit sure gets to. It moved across the waters to spawn earth.

And hey, if God is the trinity, why does one get to make the rules, one get to have the fun, and one get nailed to a tree? Hardly egalitarian, if you ask me.
Tags: fiction, religion
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